” WAS  SHE  AN  HONORABLE  WOMAN? “

I have made a great deal more than my share of mistakes in my life…  Poor choices, compromises, I’ve caused pain to those I love and disappointed my children and others in my life that care for me.  I am far from perfect and in my imperfection, I have given in to weakness and then beaten myself over the head with it.
At this point in my life, I am coming to a full realization of the nature of my wrongdoings throughout my life and sincerely am making every effort to turn away from my “sins” and rectify the wrongs I have committed.  The roads I have traveled have been rough and they have been long, yet I have come to truly believe that although we cannot change the past, we CAN create a new beginning – Starting with today!  We CAN change the direction of our lives by forging a new road, a new pathway, to a brand new future!!
Today, I am faced with a new challenge however, as the “sins of my past” catch up with me – even as I travel this new road in my life.  My greatest fear in facing this challenge is that the cost will be too high – Not just for myself, but more importantly for my children and my grandchildren.  I believe we ALL must be accountable for our actions, that we must stand for truth and have the courage of our convictions!!  This is what I have tried to instill in my children and the way in which I have tried to live my life.
My dilemma, you may have guessed, is a legal one – a situation that I have NOT ran from and one that I have been TRYING, to no avail, to deal with for over two years.  And now, just when my future is indeed looking brighter and I am moving in a positive direction and have a solid plan for my life, it appears that I could very well lose my freedom to make the choices to immediately improve my life and secure a more stable and healthy situation for myself – For what could be a serious length of time!
So, what do I do?  Do I hide from the reality of the situation like I have in the past?  Going back to my old life and ways of coping are definitely NOT an option for me anymore – Thank God!  Should I feel sorry for myself, withdraw and allow myself to give in to that demon of depression?  Or do I pull myself up by my bootstraps, look myself head-on in the mirror, square my shoulders while taking a deep breath and “face the music”, all the while knowing I may not be there to see my grandkids start school or ride a bike for the first time, that I may miss my youngest son’s graduation and try not to think of how many birthdays and Christmases I may miss?
Well, at the end of the day, for me, it begins and ends with HONOR, TRUTH, COURAGE and INTEGRITY!!  So, I guess the answer is clear.  I will take my medicine, bitter though it may be, but not before I take every opportunity to stand up for myself!  I will fight if necessary to make “them” see the “New Me” – The REAL Me!!   I will PRAY with all my might that God will soften the hearts and open the minds of those who stand in judgment of me.  I will take the hands of my loved ones and HOPE for the best possible outcome… and I will have FAITH in God’s Will for my life and in His Divine Purpose!!
For this is ALL, and the very BEST I can do… And no matter what happens, I will be able to face myself in the mirror and know that “it is what it is and it’s what is meant to be” and hopefully my kids and grandchildren will be able to answer the question “Was she an honorable woman?” with a resounding YES!!  ‘Cuz that’s really all that matters to me!

~ Brenda Herring ~  April 27, 2011
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